Firestar's Darwin Award
by StupidSequel
Summary: Firestar becomes a thrillseeker, leading to his downfall. Lionblaze becomes the new leader and an internet sensation, the Heavystep puzzle is explained, and Sandstorm is sad that her mate is gone and will do anything to bring him back.


**Firestar's Darwin Award**

(If Firestar's death really is like this in the actual canon, I would shoot the book out of a cannon and then burn it. This does not take place during a particular time slot during the real series. There are also references to my other Warriors crack fic)

Firestar had all nine lives left, and before this story ends, he will have zero, zip, nada. He was tired of the same routine. He was tired of all these moons with no battles and just watching the camp be busy. He just wanted to risk his life and be a dare devil. After all, he did have nine lives left. What could go wrong?

One day there was a badger on ThunderClan territory, and being green leaf, prey was plentiful. _I know an easy common solution to feeding the Clan and getting rid of this badger, _he thought. Lionblaze pelted toward it. _Oh no you don't! _He butted into Chuck Norris, er, I mean Lionblaze, knocking him over and pelted toward the badger and scratched it. The badger retaliated and scratched him even harder. Everything went black. He then found himself in StarClan. He had lost a life. Yellowfang was wearing shades and a cap turned sideways.

"Yo, homie! Why you be wastin yo lives like dat? That is trippin some bad shit! You be dumb and wastin yo time!" Yellowfang rapped. Firestar threw her a puzzled look. "Off you go, motherf***er!"

"Umm, you didn't have to censor yourself by saying 'eff asterisk asterisk asterisk.' I don't mind actual cussing." Firestar then found himself in the real world. _I can still do more dangerous acts. After all, I still have 8 more lives left._

"So did you get drunk off of mouse bile or something?" Brambleclaw teased. "Why did you try to take down that badger?"

"DUDE, THE CLAN NEEDS MORE FRESH KILL," Firestar snapped.

"It's green leaf, there's plenty of prey," Brambleclaw corrected. "And you should have let Lionblaze handle it. Have you even read _Night Whispers_? He takes down a fox somewhere in that book." Firestar's head was spinning.

"Why you gotta be rude to me like that? Just for that, Lionblaze will be the new deputy from now on! He's the rightful deputy, more-so than you, and you never mentored anyone. Screw that one sign from StarClan! Fie fie fie! Pah pah!" Firestar spat. _That was such a rush. I have nothing left to lose. I can risk my lives all I want cuz I still have 8! I'm home free!_

"Let all cats join here beneath the High Ledge for a Clan meeting," Firestar called. Firestar recited the usual 'deputy speech ceremony' text trap with Lionblaze, and now Lionblaze was officially deputy. Sorry, Brambleclaw, but at least ThunderClan will soon have good ol' invincible Lionstar, whose reign will last for many a moon.

After Lionblaze's deputy ceremony, Firestar remembered that he wanted to put himself in danger some more. He then remembered his dead half brother, Scourge. _I gotta bring him back to life somehow and battle him again. If I can get him to attempt to do to me what he did to Tigerstar, then I will feel alive. _You just keep on thinkin' that, FirePAW!

A moon later, he traveled back to the old forest, which was an amusement park by now. He had fond memories of last summer when numerous cats named Lostgame were sacrificing their lives on the Diamondback roller coaster at Kings Island so that Twolegs could have fun. His Spidey sense told him that this was the place where he killed Scourge. He was beneath a swing ride. He licked the ground, lapping up some of Scourge's DNA.

Another moon later, he ventured to Twoleg place to a science lab (I will spare you all the boring details). Operation successful. WHAT? Okay, so he used the science equipment to clone himself a battle ready Scourge. Off in the distance, he saw a box with a Geiger counter with a small amount of radiation in it. He heard a cat's meow inside the box. Its life was dependent on the state of the subatomic particles in the flask, and both states could exist at the same time, supposedly. Firestar took a small sniff and recognized the scent of Heavystep from RiverClan inside the box. _So Heavystep is Schrodinger's cat. It all makes sense now! _He opened the box and, sure enough, according to the paradox, he was both alive and dead at the same time. Firestar then remembered about Scourge.

He went back to the cloning tubes and saw a kitten embryo. He decided to drink a flask of alcohol solution. He had lost another life.

5 years later, he escorted Scourge back to the lake.

"Hey, Scourge, yo momma is so ugly, they leave her picture off of the WANTED posters," Firestar teased. "Hey, I'm Tigerstar, and I want my belly ripped open!" Scourge's berserk button was pressed. He sliced his dog claws down Firestar's belly, down from his neck to his tail. Firestar lay on the ground, wailing in agony for several minutes, just as Tigerstar had done. Just picture that one scene from The Darkest Hour, but with Firestar instead of Tigerstar. Right when Firestar was about to lose his ninth life, a sweet scent flooded his cute little nostrils. It was Spottedleaf.

"Oh no! I can't let anything bad happen to you, ever! Here, you can have all nine lives back!" she said in her soothing voice that would cure AIDS. Firestar wasn't sure whether to be disappointed or thrilled. Eventually he went with being thrilled. Now he could die as many times as needed, and Spottedleaf would just raise him from the dead after losing his ninth life, so he did not have to worry ever again. What could possibly go wrong?

Firestar ran into the Thunderpath, car surfing and running around randomly, losing four lives in the process. He also decided to go to Border's to get a copy of _Night Whispers. _Now he was car surfing while reading the third Omen of the Stars book. He was really getting into it.

Sandstorm was worrying about Firestar's new personality. She saw Firestar going toward camp reading _Night Whispers. _He was only a quarter of the way through. Spottedleaf had saved him 77 times.

"Hey, Firestar! Flametail dies at the end," she called to him.

"STARCLAN DAMMIT! I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW THAT!" Firestar snapped. He went over to ShadowClan territory. He knew there was a green cough outbreak. Flametail was so busy curing all the sick cats with cough syrup. Firestar cleared his throat.

"Do you really die near the end of _Night Whispers_?" Firestar asked him. Flametail tipped his head to one side.

"I haven't read it yet, but I heard that I do." Firestar licked the apprentice that Flametail was caring for and felt a little ill himself. _Spottedleaf is always there to heal me. _He found himself in StarClan. Bluestar greeted him.

"Welcome to StarClan, Firestar. Spottedleaf got tired of being used as your personal slave cuz she has a life of her own, hangin out with her friends and flirting with the toms with her sexy, hot body in the hot tub, partying and getting drunk on New Year's. I hear Lionstar will make a great ThunderClan leader. You are now perma-dead." Firestar began wishing that he was Schrodinger's cat instead of Heavystep.

Down below on whatever planet the Warrior Cats live on, Lionstar had just traveled from the Moonpool with his nine lives. The ThunderClan cats all appeared happy that Firestar was dead, so that they did not have such a stupid leader. All except for Sandstorm. After all, they were mister and miss whatever Rusty's owner's last name was.

Down in the tunnels, where Hollyleaf either died or didn't, where MoleClan resided, and where Fallen Leaves ran track, ThunderClan was having a party. Cats were dancing and pole dancing to rap and crunk core songs (something similar to 3OH!3 prolly, along with dubstep remixes). They were drinking and some cats were surfing the internet on Windows XP computers. They had made a website dedicated to Lionblaze/star facts (think of a random Chuck Norris fact and replace Chuck Norris with Lionblaze). Brambleclaw, Dustpelt, and Mosskit were all on the computers. They were exchanging Lionblaze facts.

"Did you know that Lionblaze can divide by zero?"

"Lionblaze would go to the Thunderpath, catch a monster in his jaws, and put it on the fresh kill pile, and eat it."

"Lionblaze is the reason Waldo is hiding."

"Lionblaze can stomach watching _Secret of NIMH 2_"

"Lionblaze and a Twoleg mated and they had a baby. That baby became known as Superman."

"Lionblaze doesn't lose the game. The game loses Lionblaze."

"No, in Soviet Russia, game loses you."

"Have you been on TvTropes?"

"NO ONE IS GOING ON THAT HORRID SITE! IT'LL RUIN YOUR LIVE(S)," Mosskit was agitated. Everyone stayed frozen in place. They all watched the pole dancing she-cats wearing bikinis, which included Hollyleaf, Brook, Leafpool, Cinderheart, and... Spottedleaf? (No one knew that she was cloned by an unknown cat for an unknown reason). Lionstar watched his sister pole dance and his tail shot straight up. In his defense, he was drunk. That, and the song that came on had inappropriate lyrics.

"Get ready for the Cha Cha slide, everybody!" Mistystar, the DJ, called. She was wearing cool shades, a backwards cap, and saggy jeans.

Back in the ThunderClan camp, Sandstorm was alone while everyone else was at the party. _I have to get Firestar back, whatever the cost. Spottedleaf, prepare to die more times than Heavystep, and faster than Tigerstar against Scourge._

She made the journey to the Moon pool to talk to StarClan. She wanted to speak to Spottedleaf.

"I want Firestar to come back. Remember when you reincarnated Cinderpelt so she could be a warrior? Can you please reincarnate Firestar to be smart?" Sandstorm pleaded.

"Sorry, bimbo, but it's only for emergencies ONLY!" Spottedleaf snorted. "Firestar received a Darwin Award, and that alone does not justify reincarnation. When I was a medicine cat, I only treated cats who did not injure or sicken themselves on purpose, and no cats ever did. That's why I am worshiped so much." Sandstorm sighed. She scratched the ground all over. She scratched it so much, the ground gave way, and there was a huge hole with the "earth" below.

She woke up at the Moon Pool. She realized what she had done. Since there was a hole in StarClan territory, the dead cat spirits would fall into it and land on Earth, no longer being in temporary eternal bliss. She then realized that may be what she sought after all.

She dug up Firestar's corpse. By now, it was just a skeleton. She flattened her ears in disappointment. She then remembered her grudge against Spottedleaf.

She went over to the club and mauled the heck out of Spottedleaf.

"DIE, MARY SUE EVEN THOUGH YOU DIED LONG AGO!" She stared at the lifeless body in horror. She had accidentally killed Flametail. She saw the real Spottedleaf and bit her neck and chewed it hard and harderer like a Gila monster does to its victim. Spottedleaf was dead. I think. Yeah, she was dead. Jayfeather had fallen asleep after his binge drinking. She ripped off Spottedleaf's pelt and poured mouse bile on it so that it would stain it orange. She then went to RiverClan territory and ripped off the duct tape that was holding their secret door closed.

"You get away from our closet of replacement Heavysteps right now!" Reedwhisker warned. It flattened its ears in disapproval (Reedwhisker, I mean. Not the door.) It looked in the closet and found that it was empty.

"All right, I guess you're off the hook."

Sandstorm grabbed Spottedleaf's pelt and duct taped it on Firestar's skeleton, along with a number of internal organs. She went back to the club.

"Lionstar, will you travel to the Moon Pool? It's an emergency. I need you to tell me in this walkie talkie where I need to stand while Firestar's soul is falling to Earth. I can't lose him. Make sure they haven't hit the ground yet."

Sandstorm held "Firestar" in her mouth. Lionstar told her to walk two paces to the right, just in time for the body to get slightly heavier. She ripped off pieces of duct tape and duct taped his soul inside his body. He was back to life.

"I missed you," she whispered affectionately.

Firestar became leader again and patched things up with Brambleclaw, who became deputy again instead of Lionblaze.

Lionblaze came back after a hunting patrol, holding a monster in his jaws and put it on the fresh kill pile. The whole of ThunderClan ate it all.

"That party is a New Years Day celebration, right?" Firestar was suspicious.

"Ummm... Yeah," Lionblaze said unsincerely. "Happy New Years' Firestar. You suck because you're too school for cool now! I liked you better when you were stupid." Firestar was doing college physics problems.

"If you're so great like the Lionblaze facts say, why not divide by zero?" Firestar dared. Lionblaze got out a piece of paper and did some calculations. He finally got the correct answer somehow, with the process and all.

"Seven divided by zero equals..."


End file.
